NC WOMAN ABUSED BY INANIMATE OBJECTS
July 24, 2012
At 10:30 this morning, while destroying a spider/moth graveyard with the hose of a vacuum cleaner, a female Spruce Pine resident was assaulted, on the temple, by a decorative corner of a bookcase. The incident was noted almost immediately by the victim’s husband, when he was roused from his computer chair by the sharp-tongued insistence of his spouse that he complete the vacuuming of the bedroom carpet, as she was indisposed, with an ice pack on her head. (See photo below for scene of attack.)
After satisfying the curiosity of dog and cat with presentation, for olfactory examination, of the frozen plastic ice pack, the victim retreated to the lavatory where, having seated herself and taken up a book of poetry kept in a wicker basket along with other bathroom reading material, she was assaulted by the contents of a bathroom waste receptacle, normally kept precariously balanced on the edge of the commode tank, leaning against the wall on one side to keep it secure. (The location of the plastic container is an arrangement incurred by the propensity of Sookie, then-puppy, two summers ago, for taking tissues from the receptacle, which she would then shred with her teeth and scatter throughout the house.)
The container full of crumpled bathroom tissues and other odd items tumbled over the lap of the victim this morning, and onto the floor, in a wanton display of the fecklessness of inanimate objects. Other debris fell on the tiled floor. The assault was an obvious bid for housekeeping attentions of the type shown to the carpets earlier in the day.
The victim reported no further assaults, but she was, however, threatened in the kitchen, by a large cooking pot filled with water, which was resting in the sink, the remains of the previous weekend’s chili, floating, with sordid provocation, on the surface of the water. Again, this obvious posturing was a demand for domestic attention.
The temperature in the kitchen being 83 degrees Fahrenheit, the victim ignored this harassment and removed to the living room sofa, where she seated herself before a large rectangular fan and re-applied the ice pack to her head wound.
(Photographs of the bathroom and kitchen perpetrators below.)